When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.
Cashier: would you like a receipt?
Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.