@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

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@Amiigat

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

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Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@

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@Dawn_M_

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

@juliussharpe

Roadside motels are a good place to stay if you haven’t decided yet whether you want to kill someone or be killed.

@leakypod

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Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*