LMAO
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My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Feel. He’s so soft.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
No Google it does not
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice