[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
iPhone X
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.