@ShootyDoody

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

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@SteveKoehler22

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@Pliny_theElder

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

@nerdreign

When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.

@ehchino

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

@truegritrumble

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

@BuckyIsotope

Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert’s funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. “Me want cookies,” he sadly intones. “Me want cookies.”

@Home_Halfway

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.