Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it