Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
New favorite tiktok
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please