cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.