Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered