Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
3% human
97% stress
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.