Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol