Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!” –soothsayers
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too