Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive