Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.