@PaperWash

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

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@TweetPotato314

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

@JPHaddadio

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

@BumbleDC

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

@ShootyDoody

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@SteveDutzy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

@thenatewolf

My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds