wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil
*puts wedding tape in VCR
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Maybe if I swallow enough magnets I’ll become attractive.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds