Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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2020: The Year In Review
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[walking home after date]
Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me
Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you
If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
How to use eyeliner:
1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.