@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

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@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

@tiemoose

[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@FeelingMervis

If Pitbull wasn’t famous he’d easily be the creepiest guy in every club he visits.

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@krispythehuman

How to use eyeliner:

1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids
2. Oops too thick, try to even them out
3. Colour your whole face in

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.