@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

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@UnFitz

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

@TheAndrewNadeau

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

@jellybnbonanza

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

@SteveKoehler22

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break