Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
A leaf blower, but for people.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”