Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.