Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
no cat here
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.