[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”


Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.


Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?



My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it


Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”


No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.