Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
You Might Also Like
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
wow he looks just like him
kitchen magnet
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Coffee for people with no kids
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.