I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.
Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.
That’s how that works, right?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.
ME: bae, you wanna go out?
HER: hell yeah 😊
ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.