@_salt_n_lime

Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.

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@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@sammorril

People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.

@ventivodkacran

Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it’s my car.

That’s how that works, right?

@wickedimproper

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

@rationalists

The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.

@TalibJim

ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.