I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight