Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.