@bearcub577

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

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@SaltyCorpse

“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

@Darlainky

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

@LoveNLunchmeat

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”