“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
You Might Also Like
she : XOXOXOXOX
Me : stop cheating babe. You can’t play both our turns.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
damn this year’s met gala would’ve been really awkward
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”