Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Lmbo
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.