Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.