Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.