@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

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@knotaprettygirl

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

@presidentgay

my therapist: so when did this all start?

me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12

@realfunghi

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

@TheMichaelRock

Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?

Me: A dog. Duh.

Neighbor…

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@MarlonBrandNO

“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog

@HomeWithPeanut

As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.