Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.