Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


my therapist: so when did this all start?

me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12


Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.


Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?

Me: A dog. Duh.



[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit


“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog


As a parent, I’ve learned you apparently need an education from Hogwarts to make perfect slime.


They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.