@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

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@Jason_Horton

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

@priya_ebooks

o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don’t listen to women

@rickolantern

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

@Mom_Overboard

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

@_gothique

What I’ve learned from Twitter:

1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs

@tsm560

Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.

@MaryJustice86

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.