My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
This came to me in a dream.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”