Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history