Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Are you ok, human???
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.