@KattsDogma

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

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@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@BitchyJasmine

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

@FavoritesYou

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

@VodkaThursday

In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

@rockymomax

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better