temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
no one ever comes back
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Lmfaoooooo