Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
asking santa clause for nudes
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.