@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

You Might Also Like

@_BurnsWhenIPee

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

@ToneLoaf

If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.

@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@_salt_n_lime

Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.

@seamussaid

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

@noodlegrip

People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire