Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


If you beep your horn .004 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off the car, lay on the hood and feed the birds for an hour.


If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.


I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


Netflix still asking if we’re there like we can leave the gd house.


people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire


People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire