Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.