Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

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Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave


*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!


“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza


Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.


me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*


It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed


I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on


[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes


me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot