Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

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[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..


I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.


whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them


I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.


Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.


Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.