Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Ten: Number of fingers children have.
Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot