Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You Might Also Like
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.