@knot_eye

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

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@Gooooats

Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@LostFelicia

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@Kyle_Lippert

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@AGreaterMonster

LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.

@smickable

“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.

@Blakegarav

The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.