Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
“Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time traveled in a sack of bees.
The human brain is so fascinating. It operates 24/7 from the day we were born and only stops when ur taking a test or talking to someone attractive.