Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.