[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
what day is it?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Always…
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.