Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!