@karentozzi

Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
4-10.) Ghosts

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@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@sad_tree

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@SteveHuff

People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.

@1Bad_Scientist

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

@EJT___

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

@shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@causticbob

The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.