The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.