[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.