@petridishes

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

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@auty_schmotty

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@Molly_Kats

Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET’S DO THIS ‘THE FAULT IN OUR STARS’

@desukidesu

little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business

@PatsATweetin

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

@junejuly12

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

@freypalm

Cowboy: Wake up Lou—somethin’s spookin’ the horses.

[outside]

Horse: [shining flashlight in face] But this “Apple Store”… HAD NO APPLES.

@crabbyneedsanap

8: Hey mama [something I can’t understand]
ME: I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
8: [more, I can’t understand]
ME: I’m in the shower!
ELLE WOODS: So you were in the shower?
CHUTNEY: I was in the shower.
JUDGE: We have established that she was in the shower.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.