@KenJennings

“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries

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@Underchilde

Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.

@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

@sarcasticmommy4

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@TheRealNickKay

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

@RickC_135

You know, it cost $8 for 5 condoms but you can get like 50 balloons for a buck.

@chrisdowning

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?