Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.

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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….


you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor


I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.


[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll


My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.


I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.


doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”