@KKAlThani

Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.

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@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

@rakshesha

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.

@Parker_Simpson

When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ

@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

@TitansHomer

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness

Me: Honesty

B: I don’t think that’s a weakness

M: I don’t give a shit what you think.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.