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@TheToddWilliams: TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That's so mean
@Holy_Mowgli: ~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid's lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
@thenatewolf: God: why don't we text anymore?
Me: you know why
God: I can't just give everyone a Sega whenever they ask. That's not how it works
@MrFornicator: People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
@Marlebean: "Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It's the law."
"That's only for narcs."
"That sounds like something a secret shopper would say..."