TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!