My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
So we got a goldfish…
“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*