I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
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Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed