@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

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@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@EJGomez

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

@Sanbel11

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”

@malt_skull

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

@KeetPotato

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

@CheryeDavis

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed