Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
never forget
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.