@tree_bro

“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.

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@BooFricketyHoo

My plan to disappoint everyone I’ve ever known is exceeding my expectations.

@GrantTanaka

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

@Parentpains

Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@matttuff

Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

@FadeAway2

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

@jonnysun

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*