[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
[huge explosion]

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Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.


*bees surround guy*
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…


Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!


If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?


Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!


I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.


Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.


My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.