[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.