@Karate_Horse

[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
CRAP
[huge explosion]

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@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@tastefactory

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

@ChrisEdCaruso

Good cop: where’s the body?
Bad cop: answer him!
*pounds table*
Jenga cop: God damn it!

@kimtopher22

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!

@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@fricken_jess

Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.

@Parkerlawyer

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.