Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.