Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

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The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.


I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.


13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me


Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.


The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN


Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”


coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.


Yeah I got Havana syndrome. Havana hard time getting out of bed and facing another day! 🤣


Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.