@Ghetto_Trophy

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

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@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@FilthyRichmond

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they’re trying to catch her.

@hannahkimberlee

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@jellybnbonanza

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

@web_supergirl

coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.

@F4RN3RB0CK3N

Yeah I got Havana syndrome. Havana hard time getting out of bed and facing another day! 🤣

@PimpBillClinton

Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.