Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.