Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

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If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between


Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.


Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.


If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.


“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA


in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS


I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.


Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it


Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.