@HollyMemphis

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

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@sophielou

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@DanMentos

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

@unclesshane

in every relationship one persons a chef and one person has IBS

@ryaninco

I just stopped by the Apple store to use the restroom. iPeed.

@spaceboyriley

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.