Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school