Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You Might Also Like
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My brain is a bad influence on me
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*