@Kaminapun

*termites on date*
Waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
Termite: table for two.

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@WeIcomeToNature

This sheep escaped a farm and spent 6 years in the mountains, during which time he grew 60 pounds of wool. Predators tried to eat him, but their teeth could not penetrate the floof. You don’t have to turn hard to survive the wolves, just be really, really soft and fluffy.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

@runawaycupcake

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67

@realfunghi

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

@clichedout

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one