@WeIcomeToNature
This sheep escaped a farm and spent 6 years in the mountains, during which time he grew 60 pounds of wool. Predators tried to eat him, but their teeth could not penetrate the floof. You don’t have to turn hard to survive the wolves, just be really, really soft and fluffy.
@TheAndrewNadeau
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
@runawaycupcake
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
@InternetHippo
[my cell phone rings]
ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening
@david8hughes
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
@TheToddWilliams
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
@_ElvishPresley_
ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–
ME: nope 67
@realfunghi
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
@discoken
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
@clichedout
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
@Kaminapun