Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.