@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

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@clichedout

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

@Ideal_Victoria

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

@JustMeTurtle

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@KalvinMacleod

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

@Mr_Kapowski

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.