Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My first son he is wonderful
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche