Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
terrifying if real: electric slide
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I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body
Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If eating at night is bad for you, they shouldn’t have put a light in the sky.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws