@mattewe02

terrifying if real: electric slide

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@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@noog

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

@monks_19

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

@MarfSalvador

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@darksidedeb

If eating at night is bad for you, they shouldn’t have put a light in the sky.

@PatsATweetin

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws