I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
These are my roll models.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!