[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.